


Consult with a Pillow

by cteranodon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Blind Date, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, M/M, Transstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4926994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cteranodon/pseuds/cteranodon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's job is pretty simple. All he has to do is make sure no one destroys the communications relay - the only reason humans and trolls are living together on this planet in the first place. And no one has tried to do that the entire time he's lived there.</p>
<p>So maybe this blind date his friend Kanaya has set him up with will be a nice change of pace. And maybe, eventually, his date won't be too attracted to him to consistently form complete sentences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Consult with a Pillow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [onlyinafigurativesense](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyinafigurativesense/gifts).



“Dave, I have a query for you concerning your personal life.”

That was about the most unwelcome question to start a conversation Dave had ever heard. Coming from Kanaya, this could go any number of ways, surely none of them good. Dave had half a mind to throw a wrench into the conversation immediately by just screaming in her face and dashing.

“Sure, what’s up?”

Kanaya cautiously evaluated his facial expression, which he was keeping inscrutable as always. “Are you currently residing on the metaphorical human social sphere known as ‘single’?”

That was not one of the hundreds of questions Dave was anticipating. “Operatively, yes.”

“Operatively?”

Dave tried to think of how to best explain it, given he didn’t know how well someone from another species would understand. “I’m not single, but I can mingle. Like, I came to this party with a plus-one and we are planning to go home together afterward but we’re here getting so much mingling done between the two of us like you can’t believe, and with any luck we’ll find somebody to be the plus-two next time. But at that point we’d have to decide if three people can all mingle, since that’s too much cooperative mingling for most parties to handle. We’d have to either stop mingling or go to sicker parties.”

Kanaya blinked. “I do not think I understand.”

“What I’m saying is, if you’re asking me if I can go on a date with somebody else, the answer is yes.” He knew very well that she was not asking for her own sake.

“Good.” Kanaya gave a fanged smile. “A friend of mine has interest in finding a flushed romantic partner. I believe you would be qualified to fill that role.”

“What kind of friend is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is this a good friend or a bad friend?”

“I am not aware of his moral alignment.”

“No, I mean, is he an actual pal of yours or is he some kind of rival?”

“Oh, yes, he is a ‘pal.’”

“Then count me in.” Dave was flattered by her offer, and he trusted her judgment of his and the other guy’s character.

“Convincing you was unexpectedly easy.”

“Well,” Dave said, “I don’t exactly have much to lose. Is he a looker?”

“Others often consider him to be attractive, yes.”

“So when can I meet him?”

Kanaya smiled more brightly. “Are you available for the soonest sequentially final daily repast?”

“Dinner tonight? Sure. I have to work late, but I can meet him at 19:00 if you tell me where to go.”

*****

Dave Strider lived on a planet called Cogruithea. Years ago, habitable but desolate Cogruithea (where the only native species above land were primitive plants) was set up as an enormous interstellar communications relay. It was hoped that the Cogruithean relay would be automatic, but that dream went straight out the window, and a small team had to stay on the planet to keep the relay running. From a small team grew a small community, and then all at once Cogruithea had a population of several hundred thousand, full of Terran and Alternian colonists alike.

Dave’s job was pretty simple. All he had to do was stand around and guard the relay core. There wasn’t much stress to it, since not many people were inclined to sabotage the entire reason they lived on the planet in the first place. In fact, there’d been no breaches the entire time Dave had worked there. The security force (or “Cogruithean Knighthood” as they called it for some goddamn fucking reason) was mostly just there to discourage anybody from getting any crafty ideas.

Not that Dave disliked his job at all. He had become a master at composing music in his head while he stood guard. Plus, the uniform was perfect to his bone structure and made his butt look hand-crafted by eldritch gods bent on nonviolently breaking the willpower of most mortals.

At 18:28, two minutes before the end of his shift, he received a message from Kanaya on his personal communicator.

GA: Okay  
GA: Please Meet Him At The Coastal Abbey  
TG: what  
TG: thats so far away  
TG: i wont have time to change clothes or anything before i get there  
GA: Oh No  
GA: It Seems You Will Just Have To Attend This Date In Your Uniform  
TG: why  
TG: why cant we just go to the tinfoil goose instead  
GA: I Thought It Might Be  
GA: Inappropriate  
GA: For You To Go To Your Aunts Restaurant On This Occasion  
TG: well you thought wrong then  
GA: Also He Does Not Enjoy The Tinfoil Goose He Has Just Told Me  
TG: you know you can just say he has the hots for guys in uniform  
TG: you dont have to jump through hoops to get me to follow your agenda  
GA: I Do Not Understand  
GA: David  
GA: What Is This “Agenda” You Speak Of  
TG: you never call me david when youre being sincere  
GA: What Are These “Hoops” You Speak Of  
TG: honestly youre so transparent  
TG: it makes me wonder if your parents blew you from double glass in which light travels at twice its normal speed  
TG: youre so transparent youre breaking the known principles of physics  
TG: scientists are going to spend years studying your speech patterns  
TG: understanding the ways in which you can send things faster than light with such little energy  
TG: and a new faster and more efficient interstellar engine will be designed  
TG: that runs solely on the sheer power of your bullshit  
GA: Okay Dave My Friend  
GA: Dave My Pal  
GA: I Am Sorry For The Inconvenience And I Assure You There Is No Ulterior Motive At Work  
TG: alright whatever you say  
TG: i just hope you arent planning for me to kiss him after we both eat seafood  
GA: Best Of Luck

*****

“Ahh, yes, um, I think I’m supposed to be meeting someone who’s already here?”

“Mr. Strider?”

“That’s me.”

“Right this way, please.”

The Coastal Abbey was a nice enough place for a date, Dave could give it that much. Like most Cogruithean restaurants, it combined elements native to Terran and Alternian aesthetics. (This came at the begrudging behest of the Coastal Abbey’s troll owner, who was only marginally comfortable with humans.) In this case, the walls were adorned with images of warships from both planets, lamps were shaped like ocean life familiar to either species, and glaring down at them were ancient and long-dead warlords who in life had been masters of the sea; a Korean Admiral, a Hegemonic Witchqueen, a Roman Emperor, and the like.

The host led Dave past rows of tables, towards a line of booths with towering partitions between them. Sitting in one of the booths was a troll squinting at a menu as if it held an insult to his lineage in one-point font. As they got closer, he looked up, laid eyes on Dave, and said “Oh GOD” louder than he probably intended.

“Here you are,” the host said. “Enjoy.” And they walked off, leaving Dave with the bewildered- and flustered-looking troll.

Dave sat and extended his hand towards the troll. “Hey,” he said. “My name’s Dave.”

The troll stared at Dave’s hand, the gray skin of his face steadily turning a reddish hue. “What am I supposed to do in response to that?” His voice was loud and grating, probably tenor or alto, Dave couldn’t tell for sure yet; his vocal range seemed to be fluctuating with every word.

“Here,” Dave said, “put your hand out the way mine is.”

The troll obeyed, suspicion playing around his eyes. Dave grasped his hand and gently shook it.

The troll’s eyebrows arched with surprise. “O-oh, I see, I SEE. Is this a customary human greeting?”

Alto, definitely alto. “It is. I’m surprised you haven’t encountered it yet.”

The troll looked away shyly. “W-well, I haven’t really… I just moved here recently.”

“On your home planet do you also not introduce yourselves with your names?” Dave asked, withdrawing his hand.

“ACGHK.” The troll blushed even further. “I’m sorry. I’m Karkat. Karkat… Vantas.”

Dave placed his hands one on top of the other in front of him. “So, Karkat, what brings you to the swinging singles’ stage?”

Karkat frowned now. “Didn’t I JUST say I’m NEW to this PLANET? Or do you have gelatinous inflammations clogging your sound receptors?”

“Is that a troll phrase for earwax?”

“What the FUCK is earwax?”

“Nevermind.” Dave offered a charmed quarter-smile, which reduced Karkat once again to a straight flush.

“Well then,” Dave said, “why have you come to this tiny backcountry planet in the first place?”

“Ah.” Karkat’s face lit up like a beacon; it was immediately obvious that he had come to Cogruithea entirely of his own free will. “I have this plan to write some screenplays for movies. I don’t know what movies are like on your planet, but on mine they’re like the best fucking things ever. They always cheer me up, so I want to, yknow, pass that along so other people can enjoy them as much as I have. Pay it forward and all that.”

That is… a really sweet plan. Dave had to stop from grinning immediately; Karkat was doing that enough for them both. “So where does living on this planet come in?”

“Agh, FUCK…” Karkat ran his fingers quickly through his disheveled hair several times. “I’m sorry, I’m worm-infested monochrome shit at explaining anything. If I ever had to explain how to walk I’d take a crashing popped toe loop and instead wind up giving a demonstration on fellating the floor.”

“No, that’s…” This was definitely not the reaction Dave wanted. This poor guy was not at his smoothest at the moment, even if his self-insult was well-constructed. “That’s fine, it’s okay, I don’t really mind if you meander when you’re talking. You can meander all you want. Take a lap with me around the fucking planet for all I care, bro. Hell, that sounds like a great plan for our second date.”

“Ahhhnnnn…” Karkat buried his face in his hands, hiding a timid smile. That was more like it. “To answer your question, there’s great story material out here. It’s a new frontier and everything, there’s a big coalescing of trolls and humans, and it’s just all really fresh.” Karkat mustered the courage to look up at Dave again. “Plus the fact that at some point I’m planning to join the Knighthood. That should give me some extra inspiration.”

“Wow, really now.” Dave smirked. “You know, if you join the Knighthood, you’ll wear this uniform too. Then you won’t even have to date me, you can just stare at yourself in the mirror.”

“That’s not even REMOTELY true,” Karkat said indignantly. “I’ll still have to date you just the same. I mean! Uh!” Back into his hands he goes. “That’s not something a person says minutes into the first date. My point is I would get negative enjoyment from trying to date myself. Purely platonic conversations with myself are bad fucking enough.”  
What a piece of work this guy was. And somehow every moment just made Dave feel more and more like Kanaya was a master matchmaker after all.

“Also,” Karkat said, “what the FUCK makes you think I care that much about your aesthetically inconsequential uniform?”

“Aesthetically inconsequential?” Dave asked in mock surprise. “I have it on good intel that you feel just the opposite way about it.”

“Don’t even try it,” Karkat snarled. “You’ve heard no such thing. Not like Kanaya would tell you anything I asked her not to.”

“So you admit to both telling her and asking her not to tell me,” Dave said.

“Absolutely fucking not. I’m just entertaining your bullshit for argument’s sake.”

“Okay then,” Dave said. “If my uniform is aesthetically inconsequential, does that mean you’d rather I wear nothing?”

“Yes. I mean, no! I mean, rrrrrrrarrrgh! You did that on purpose!”

“Dude, if I make something that sounds like a sexual pass at you, I think my intentions there should be pretty clear.”

“Well, you should make your intentions clearer,” Karkat said. Just a minute ago he had been blushing horrendously and acting like he could never muster the courage to say more than a few words at a time to Dave; now, he was glaring at him with an open-mouthed frown (and still blushing).

“That is the most contentious way anybody has ever asked me to blatantly proposition them for sex.”

“I’m not asking you to do shit, you wretched pissdrinking grimeheap—”

They were interrupted by the arrival of a waiter—no, of the owner himself; a tall and stern troll in glasses, with a streak of purple in his undercut, what looked like fins or something under his ears, and horns shaped like reverse lightning bolts, all of which somehow felt appropriate to match his extraordinary accent.

“Pardon the wwait,” the owner said. “I’m understaffed tonight. Can I assume the two o’ you are ready to order?”

Dave quickly looked down the menu; he hadn’t actually thought about what he was planning to eat.

“Hey, so, Dave,” Karkat said, “if you haven’t decided what to eat yet, you should know Kanaya has paid for our meal in advance.”

Dave made an acknowledging grunt. “So if I asked for the entire restaurant for my meal…”

“You’ll find that’s not a menu item, here or anywwhere else.” The owner looked more than a bit annoyed.

“Well then just give me the swordfish.”

The owner nodded, then turned to Karkat. “Havving your usual, Kar?”

“The fact that you even feel the need to ask at this point appalls me.”

The owner took their menus and headed away. Dave raised an eyebrow in surprise at Karkat.

“You’re familiar enough with him that he’s given you a nickname?”

“Who, Eridan?” Karkat shrugged like it was no big deal. “He’s a friend of mine.”

“A good friend or a bad friend?”

“Well, I try to think the best of people, but—”

“No, I mean, is he a pal or a rival?”

“Pal.” Karkat shrugged again.

“Okay, next question,” Dave started. “How do you have a ‘usual’ here already if you’ve just moved to this planet recently?”

“I eat here all the time,” Karkat said dismissively. “I always think about getting something different, but… I dunno, I never feel inspired by any of the other items.”

“Inspired, huh? So I guess you’re gonna write a movie about seafood.”

“So what if I fucking am? If I write a movie about seafood it’ll blow people’s minds all over the fucking walls. The whole galaxy will be talking about nothing but seafood when I’m done with it.”

“I bet you I could make a movie about seafood that’s twice as good as yours,” Dave said.

“I’m sure that bet is hilariously stacked against me, you’ll know exactly where all the ichthyoid scoops are since you can probably see OH SO FAR into the water with those ridiculous glasses. What the hell are those even for?”

Dave almost forgot that most people who didn’t interact with him every day weren’t used to seeing people wearing reflective glasses all the time. “Well, I have an… eye condition, so I only take em off at home.”

“Hmph.” Karkat glared at him. “I’ll want to see what you look like without them.”

“If you’re inviting yourself to my home,” Dave said, “the answer is an absolute yes.”

Karkat stared at him for a moment, then gently placed his face on the table in front of him, cheeks now a deep crimson. “Fuck,” he said. “Fuck, I definitely didn’t mean that.”

“Well then you don’t have to come home wi—”

“OF COURSE I want to come to your home, you cretin, I just wasn’t expecting… Look, alright?” Karkat looked back up at Dave. “I’ve never dated a human, and you’re the most attractive person I’ve ever laid eyes on, and I’m in way the fuck over my head. Okay?”

It was (finally) Dave’s turn to feel a bit warm in the cheeks. “No need to feel in over your head, Karkat,” he said. “I mean if you think you’re in over your head, you should know I’m a trained lifeguard and I know exactly how to help. I’ll teach you to swim if you want, and if that doesn’t work I can just carry you to shore on my wet, muscular back.”

“Does this metaphor have a message for me here?”

“Just that you have nothing to worry about,” Dave said with a reassuring smile. “I’m an easy guy to get along with, and you’re at least as hot as I am.”

“D-do you mean that?”

“Let’s just say I can’t wait to see you in this uniform.”

In spite of Dave’s attempts at building his confidence, Karkat could only respond with flustered breathiness. This guy really didn’t think he could be in the same league as Dave.

But they were both saved from any need to press the issue by the arrival of their food.

“Wow, that was fast,” Dave said. He looked at Karkat’s meal – a dish probably native to Alternia, that looked like a variant of oysters. Did oysters come in pastel colors on his planet? “I bet that’s delicious.”

“No, I eat a meal that tastes like hoofbeast phlegm five times a week,” Karkat snapped.

“Hey now,” Dave said, “have you actually had hoofbeast phlegm? It’s a delicacy back on Earth. I don’t want to hear that kind of cultural insensitivity.”

“Your culture is designed by and for meaningless tit-twisting fuckfucks.” Karkat began gesticulating wildly in his exaggerated anger. “I won’t be sensitive to something so far beneath my righteous contempt.”

Dave arched an eyebrow. “Fuckfucks?”

“SHUT THE YOUR MOUTH UP.”

Dave chuckled and took a bite of his swordfish. It was fantastic. Though surely nothing compared to horse phlegm.

“So what do you do outside of the Knighthood?” Karkat asked.

“I make music.” Dave took an extra savory bite of fish. “Basslines so dirty they’re against environmental regulations, and beats so fat their escape velocity is faster than light.”

“That sounds dangerous.”

“It is. My music is killer.”

“Maybe I’ve found the soundtrack writer for my movies,” Karkat said.

“Maybe you have. Your screenplays better be the narrative equivalent of a Pieta or else having my music on them will be like having a fireworks show for turning on a faucet.”

“And you’d better live up to your own hype. I don’t want my masterpieces to be accompanied by the sounds of a dying whale.”

“Dying Whale isn’t a wise choice in genre for movie soundtracks. For you, I’ll probably do crabcore.”

“I speak for persons of all species across the galaxy when I say don’t fucking do crabcore, you lousy piece of garbage.”

“You won’t let me have any fun, will you?”

“Not on the goddamn first date.”

That stopped Dave in his tracks – he had to look away and let himself grin. But Karkat ruined any momentum he might have hoped to carry in the conversation by looking dazzlingly proud of himself as only an enormous dweeb would.

“That’s alright,” Dave said. “For a guy like you I can only look forward to when I’ll have the privilege.”

“U-u-uh, I’ll keep that in mind.” Back to blushing. This was way too easy.

“You still want to go straight to my place after we’re done here?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Dunno,” Dave said. “Just making sure.”

“I already said that I would.” Karkat took a swift bite of a pastel oyster. “I have been told that in human culture, sleeping with someone can be seen as inherently sexual, so it’s understandable if you thought I was concerned about that, I guess, but I’m stubborn when it comes to this shit.”

“I… didn’t realize you were planning to sleep there,” Dave said.

“O-oh.” Karkat looked embarrassed now. “I thought that was implied.”

“No, it’s chill,” Dave replied. “I mean, that totally works for me. I’m just not sure what all you’re comfortable with.”

“Let me put it to you plainly,” Karkat said. “As pathetic as it probably sounds, having someone to help me feel warm at night is one of the things I’ve been looking forward to most about dating.”

“That doesn’t sound pathetic at all.”

“But at the same time, I am super intimidated and I feel like any sexual relationship right now would overwhelm me.”

“You don’t have to rationalize yourself to me on that front, bro.”

“I know I don’t, you mangy ass-diving lugmech. I just want you to know I’ll get there before too long. Just need to get used to the concept of dating someone… someone like you, you know.”

“Maybe you just need to consult with a pillow about how to adjust,” Dave said. “Of course you’ll be consulting with one of my pillows, and those things are fucking biased. You’ll be like ‘should I be investing time and energy in this guy?’ And the pillow will respond ‘Hell yeah you should, his face is super comfy, plus he changes in front of me all the time and it gives me a big pillow boner.’ And then the other pillow will be like ‘Gee, Karkat, I dunno, you’re the one spooning him, you tell me.’ To which you’ll respond ‘Gee, pillow, you adjective compound-swear actiontaker, physical affection isn’t a good indicator for the value of a relationship.’ And the pillow will be like ‘Well okay, how am I supposed to know that? I’m just a pillow, I’m a sounding board for ideas here and not much more.’ And pillow number one will be like ‘Then if you’re looking for less superficial reasons to stay, he’s fucking hilarious and he’s gonna work hard to lift your spirits and he makes great music, especially crabcore. I could jam out to that crabcore for the rest of my pillow life.’”

Karkat blinked. “I… I think I understood your point a minute ago, but you’ve lost me.”

“Sleep on it. With me. You’ll have a better idea of what to think tomorrow.”

“If I’m not distracted by your argumentative pillows.”

“Yeah, that’s something you get used to.”

Karkat seemed to consider it. “Well, I’m doubtful that your pillows actually make conversational noise, but even if they do, it will be worth it to experience your human ‘spooning.’”

“That’s the spirit,” Dave said with a nod. It occurred to him that a lot of people might not like how Karkat was coming on so strong, but there wasn’t really anything that could be more immediately helpful to Dave’s own comfort level.

He took the next few moments of silence to admire this guy he’d been set up with. What was the best descriptor for his brand of attractiveness? Handsome? No, that’s way too formal. Cute? No, he’s too… vivid to be cute. He wasn’t hunky, or pretty, or any of those.

No, Karkat Vantas could only be described as captivating.

“What was that?” Karkat asked.

Whoops. Apparently Dave had said the word out loud. Oh well, time to own up to it. “I said you’re captivating.”

“I’m masticating,” Karkat said. “Eating is not an alluring process.”

“It is if you’re eating out.”

Karkat snarled and stuck his tongue out at Dave.

“Yeah, kinda like that. I can give you some more practical tips later on.”

“Kanaya has already given me plenty of advice on that subject. Also, fuck you.”

“Kanaya’s… well, of course Kanaya knows a lot about that.” Dave rolled his eyes, forgetting that the effect would be lost on Karkat from behind his shades. “I don’t know how long she’s been grooming you for dating me, but I guess I’m gonna find out how effective her sex coaching is before too long.”

“She started advising me a few days ago,” Karkat said. “She’s been really hoping you’d agree to this date.”

“Then she owes me lunch for being such a friend-pal.”

They were getting to the end of their meals. Dave gestured for one of Karkat’s oysters, and after a moment of hesitation Karkat forked one to him. It was… exotic. Unexpected. They didn’t taste like oysters. But they were still very savory.

The very surly Eridan arrived at their table. “Are the twwo of you ready for the check?”

“Ummm, sure thing,” Dave said. Eridan handed him a small slip of paper and pen. The paper read “BALANCE – 0.00” and had a line for a tip. Rather than juggle with non-cash exchanges (space capitalism – can you believe it?) Dave handed a few credits to Eridan.

“And before I forget,” Eridan said. He gave each of them something in a small wrapper, with a note attached. “Something your patron has requested me to bequeath you directly.”

It was a mint. Dave looked at the accompanying note:

“Dave,  
Now You Have No Excuse.  
Yours, Kanaya”

He smirked, then looked up at Karkat, who appeared to be too embarrassed for words.

“Well?” Dave said. “You ready?”

“O-oh, sure, we can leave now.”

“Let’s bounce, then.”

The two made their way out the door. Dave felt the most bizarre feeling in his hand. He lifted it to look at it; he couldn’t see anything wrong at first, but then he finally noticed that it was trembling.

He was shaking. With excitement. From a date. For the first time in years.

Wow.

He wondered if Karkat was a big spoon or a little spoon.


End file.
